She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
