even my farts smell like vagina
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
