The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
