The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
