I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
