Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
