So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
