oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
