she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
