what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
