you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just want nice things and good sex
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
