i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
