I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
