So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
