In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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