The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
