I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
