I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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