Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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