I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
