I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My penis needs a shock collar
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
