you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
