Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
