gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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