dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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