i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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