You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
