Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
