Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
