So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
