So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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