I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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