I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
