I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
