So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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