if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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