I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
