Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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