It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
