Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
