I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
