She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
