You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
