We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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