The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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