If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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