just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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