dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
