i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
