she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
