I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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