I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
